Why You Can Never UNLOVE A Soulmate (and Other Strange Truths of Love)


SOULMATES PREFACE— Recently I've been reflecting a lot on love and relationships and loss....

I have grieved and worked hard to transmute the energy and integrate my own healing so I can show up for new magic and higher levels of embodiment that my spirit is calling me to step up to. Most importantly: so I can walk the path with a strong and generous spirit in alignment with my soul's mission.

What occurred to me is that I may never stop loving the incredible women who have stolen my heart and woven themselves into my soul... and I am OK with that. Ultimately I believe we are "soulmates" because we share a deep mission or calling in this life, and we came together to help each other complete that mission. 

We may also have been together in some form in our past lives (which may explain some of the intensity ha!!), but I do not believe that past life karma is a prerequisite for being soulmates in this life.  

Are "Soul Mates" real?

Science might dispute it, but we are wise enough to know that there is so much more to life than what can be measured and proven in a laboratory. We know what we know to be true based on our innate intelligence and experience, and that is the ultimate proving ground. 

In the effort to better understand what I have been feeling, I went to the keyboard and into my heart, and this is what came through... 

The difference between a SOULMATE and a typical love relationship;

Why you may never get this person fully out of your skin; 

HOW TO HEAL when you and your soulmate are separated;

And, Some other timeless truths of love and relationship!

Wherever you are on your journey with love and your own heart, I hope it helps!  


First off, what is a soulmate really?

A soulmate is that rare human you have an inexplicably deep and magical bond with. The moment you first meet — unless you are really disconnected from yourself — you feel something different. It starts with a spark of recognition in the eyes and a stirring of the soul....

When you come together it's like your two hearts and beings were just made for each other and you better believe those sparks will fly! When your lips finally meet in a kiss, for a moment time stands still, until it drops you into a vortex of timeless, boundless love and PASSION.

You may had other relationships where there is strong chemistry, but the difference with a soulmate...?

You feel like you have known each other forever.

Like, truly, forever....

You may have flashes of past lives together, or alternate parallel lives, or even future lives. You feel as though they are your lover and somehow, weirdly and wonderfully, your kin as well.

And when you connect with the fullness of your being, you may not want to ever let go again.

You may find yourself, in fact, not able to fully let them go....

How is a soulmate different from a typical love connection?

Of course, there is no universal standard with a deep love connection. Love is Love; it will always be a wild ride!

With a typical relationship however, if it's a good match, sparks fly when you connect and it just feels right. In a GOOD relationship there is a strong love connection, and with enough emotional maturity on both sides, you work together to make it work.

That doesn't mean it looks like your average monogamous relationship, or even ends up in your happy-ever-after fairytale situation! It just means there is enough love connection and mutual compatibility to keep you both interested and connected.

Until there isn't.

With most relationships over time enough hurts, challenges or incompatibilities can drive a big fat wedge between you, and unless these are appropriately addressed, one or both parties are bound to start feeling different towards each other.

With enough emotional maturity and commitment, and the right conditions, you will work it out. If not, you probably have no choice but to part ways, painful as it may be.

With a SOULMATE, however, it can be very hard to end the relationship.

When you separate with your soulmate the result is emotionally devastating. Or you may be in a state of elevated shock until you crash. At minimum for those who are not in touch with their emotional self, it drastically affects their life and outlook. Regardless, it will—in no small terms—leave you a changed person.

Your love for them can become blocked as your heart closes from being hurt by them, or from your own resistance that comes from being hurt in the past. It may even come from THEIR own resistance to you due to their own fear or past trauma. Any one of these is often enough to end a relationship or drive the wedge between you that will eventually push you so far apart you cannot bridge the divide.

For many soulmates, however, as long as circumstances permit you will always be finding ways to be together again.

Somehow, it happens...you find yourself together again in their arms. You may not even being expecting or planning it, but when you come together it's like the spark rekindles out of nowhere and it feels like you were never apart! ('and what was the reason you weren't together again anyway?'). Amazing.

Even if you know it’s not right, you will dream of being with them, and if it's at all possible you will come together again...and it will be SO FRICKEN GOOD.

But WHY does this happen?

Because you have work to do together still! Because there is something or things you have to teach each other and support each other in the evolution of your self towards your mission in this life.

As long as you have some deep work to do together, you will be hard pressed to stay apart from your soul mate for long. You will always find your way back to each other somehow!

Note: This is not codependent emotional behavior in which a person clings to their relationship no matter how abusive or incompatible it may be. (Often in the case of severe past trauma or with someone who suffers from symptoms of mental illness; a serious subject for another time and not one that I would take lightly.)

Soulmate Ripples in the Veil

When you and your soulmate are together, you are at ease, and your heart can finally REST. In their arms it's like nothing else matters (until your mind or ego gets in the way and creates problems haha!!).

One of the interesting signatures of a soulmate connection is that underneath the deep ease you may experience ripples of energy that feel like nervous tension or excitement. This will come and go — subsiding more as you become accustomed to one another's vibrational field — rising again at those times when you are meant to connect deeper.

How is this different from a ripple of love from the heart?                 

Soulmate Ripples will come crashing through the veil and push you to make major change. Like whalesong sonar or how a tiny tremor can set off a tidal wave, the ripples will force you to look at yourself and each other with more intensity and full on experience of "what is" then you might be able to handle.

Like a strong trip with psychedelic plant medicine, you will be pushed WAY out of your comfort zone to see things in a different light. I'm talking interstellar multi-dimensional travel kind of perspective.

That alone can be freaky enough to drive a major wedge between you. Hopefully you are both ready to face the truth of who you are and what you are here on earth to do!

You will need some time apart, deep grounding and spiritual practice, energy work and probably some good ol' fashioned self care! Booty shakin', journal writing, champagne brunch and BFF celebrating or WHATEVER it is brings you back to earth and into your body!

When you are apart, though, your soulmate is always there with you beneath the surface. You may start seeing nearly all of life through the lens of your experience together, your understanding of who they are, and how they would see things too...

You may also feel energies and experience deep impulses you have never felt before with another person. This relationship may be fundamentally shifting your outlook and experience and even your interests and tendencies.

That kind of Love is rare and deep, and wonderful...and yes it can be SUPER intense as well!

When the storms rage too hard

If you are unable to weather the inevitable storms that come from that kind of soulmate connection — not to mention likely having shared lifetimes together — you may eventually be forced to part ways again.

It's not always the dreaded wedge of divide though! It could be a very basic and practical reason, like the paths you are on in life are no longer compatible. Or perhaps it's just too difficult geographically (long distance relationships are the most excruciating kind for soulmates!). Maybe you are just not able to give your whole self to them, because you are still processing your separation and connection with another soul mate! Or a combination of any or all of these and more.

Because we are human, and only have so much room in our hearts for love as for pain and hardship....

Whatever the reason, though, you will always come back together again. It may just be in your heart and soul, but they will be there. Your soul mate will never fully leave you.

Try as you might to clear them out, that person will always be woven into the fabric of your heart and being.

Who you are — your very embodiment — cannot remain untouched or fully removed by that person and their essence.

They will always occupy a place of your soul that cannot be filled by anyone else.

And THAT is why you cannot 'unlove' a soul mate.

That doesn't mean there is no hope! On the contrary, you have some good work to do...my favorite kind of work...soulwork!

What this requires is nothing less then a total reframing of your perspective; a 180 degree turn if you will from how you have been operating and seeing the apparent loss or separation.

However you get there you must somehow come to understand that your separation was just as significant as your coming together!

It's so obvious when you look at it from the larger perspective -- because just look at the growth that had to happen for you to recover from this apparent loss.

That's not to say there is no pain, or there was no pain, or that you should bypass the pain. On the contrary, you may very will need to dive all the way back into that muck to integrate the fractured parts of you back in, and release the pain.

This could be the pain of many lifetimes, so please be gentle with yourself and GO SLOW.

If you have experienced the trauma of separation from a soulmate and the apparent loss of love from that, you must do everything you can to find the love again. Within YOURSELF. You must reclaim the love for that person and everything that you shared together. That is how you become whole again and fully integrate the teachings and growth of the relationship. 

In the process of healing the wounds and integrating the huge lessons you will find those parts of yourself that you may have lost and you will be stronger and brighter then you ever were before.

How to reclaim the lost parts of yourself

You bring the love back home into your heart by honoring them and all that they gave you, and all that you shared together.

You must bow to them, and your experience together, with deep gratitude. With deep love and understanding in your heart. You must thank them so fully that your heart explodes with love again, and you must thank your own stars for allowing this person into your life! No matter how hard it might have been. And no matter how hard it might be now.

Bow deeply and honor it all. Literally. Bow down with your body and your heart and all of your being. (This I have learned from my teacher Vlado Ilic in my Family Constellations training this year, and it works.)

There is more you can do of course, but this is really the foundation piece. With some more healing, soul work and energetic clearing, it can be enough!

Be thankful for having known that kind of love, for meeting your soul's mate in this life, and know that your soul is so vast, and your lives are many, there is not just one soulmate for every person!! You may well find another love as great and vast and true as this one.

In fact, if you do this work you might find them sooner then you imagined!

Remember to honor all your soul mates — and ALL THOSE YOU HAVE LOVED — even the ones who have been long gone, or who broke your heart. No matter how hard it may be, remember and love them as if you were together in love again, honor them, and reclaim the parts of you that were left behind when you parted ways.

That is how you will become whole and ready to love again. To give yourself fully and be In Love with your current or future soul mate who is even now, so eager to meet you, so ready to connect and love you again.

And remember: A part of that person will always be with you. Instead of fighting it or agonizing over it, cherish that and revel in it! Know that even if you cannot be together again in this life, you may very well meet again in the next. ;)



For support in healing, counsel and energy work, I offer private sessions in person or online via Zoom. My work is especially helpful to fellow empaths, creatives, rebel souls and other highly sensitive peoples. You may also be interested in one of my workshops and programs to awaken your true soul power and callings, such as the new SOUL VOYAGERS: Sacred Community-Based Healing + Soul Magic Incubator.

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